The greed of gain has no time or limit to its capaciousness. Its one object is to produce and consume. It has pity neither for beautiful nature nor for living human beings. It is ruthlessly ready without a moment's hesitation to crush beauty and life.
Rabindranath Tagore
When I read this quote I thought, “Poet Tagore sure has met a narcissist or two in his time, hasn’t he?” for this quote exemplifies the Ns approach to money.
If you married or were attached to an N, it will be no surprise that a lot of your money is gone. Just flat gone, as in disappeared. The N no doubt used money to control you during the relationship. He stole money from you, hid money from you and spent wildly both your personal money and your “joint” money in an effort to make himself feel better.
That is what Ns do.
That certainly is what the N to whom I was married did.
Money to the Ns represents all that they want to be. For the N, money is success, power, control, superiority and evidence of their purported good taste – all of the things that they think they are but in point of fact are not.
The Ns are typically control freaks about money, alternating between big spending in order to portray themselves to the outside world as Mr. Generous and niggardly doling out nickels and dimes in an effort to control you.
They are often spendaholics. The Ns spend money because it makes them feel powerful and important, rather like the proverbial bar fly who buys a round for the house. The Ns spend in order to fill the hole in their heart. They somehow believe that material things will fill their emptiness. Little do they know that no amount of money or “stuff” will fill that Grand Canyon-sized hole.
The N to whom I was married was ambitious when I met him and was anxious to be financially successful. That was not unusual in a young lawyer. What was unusual were his attitudes about money that were revealed over the course of time.
The N portrayed himself as the Great and Powerful Oz about money. He knew everything, invested perfectly and was a brilliant money manager. At least, that is what he thought of himself and told everyone about himself. Actually, this was partially accurate. Some investments that he got us into worked out beautifully. Others did not. When we lost our money in a particular deal, that deal was simply never mentioned again unless he chose to assign blame to someone else. After all, all losses were due to someone else’s perfidy or stupidity for he was never wrong.
The N I was married to spent money like the proverbial drunken sailor both during the time that we were working full time as well as later. When we were practicing law full time, he bought my clothes, art, and darned near anything else that he wanted. I did not watch how much he spent for a couple of reasons. First, we were not on a fixed income so I did not think much about what he was spending. Second, I was working so hard that I did not have time to watch what he spent.
Big mistake.
Originally, while we were working, I was grateful that he bought all of my clothes. This, by the way, does not mean that we went shopping together. Oh, no. He simply looked through catalogs and bought my clothes by telephone in this pre-internet time period. At the time, I thought that he was being a loving and supportive husband as I was just too busy with my job and our kids to go shopping. Now I know that his purchases were all about making him look good in the sense of his oft-repeated phrase: “Look what I bought my wife”. His purchases had the added benefit (to him only, of course) of controlling what I spent. There was no need for me to buy anything because he bought it all. If I didn’t like what he bought, too bad. Returning anything he had purchased for me that I did not like generated such a huge fight that I simply avoided the fight by not wearing the things that were not to my taste.
The Ns art purchases were a variation on this same theme. He was all about being the big cheese by meeting the artist so he could brag that he had done so, having the artist deliver the art to him, and being slavishly fawned upon by those stores where he bought art. He bought Native American kachinas at the Heard Museum and was on a first name basis with the Heard Museum store manager, a fact which he was overly and ridiculously proud of. The buying process was important to him, much more important than the art, some of which never saw the light of day. Owning art was more important than enjoying it.
The N went to great lengths to watch every dime and to keep as much of our income as possible, even going so far as to cheat on our tax returns. Because he was a tax lawyer, he ran way, way over the honesty line. Worse yet, he got away with it.
The worst of his narcissistic qualities in general and the money-related issues particularly did not appear in high relief until we retired from the practice of law and moved to Southwestern Colorado due entirely to his health. Once I no longer had my own, independent income and career, the N to whom I was married allowed his narcissism full rein and eventually disintegrated into psychosis. The N knew that it would be more difficult for me to leave him without a job and my own independent source of funds. To say that he took advantage of this situation understates the case. Not only he did not give me any “credit’ for giving up my career, my friends and my life for the sake of his health, but in his view I was beholding to him for in retirement the majority of our monthly income came from his disability insurance policy. Therefore, in his view, he was entitled to spend what I had previously thought was “our” money and I was entitled to nothing. Despite the fact that I had given up my career to care for him, in his view, I was now a parasite.
Despite our substantial retirement income, he spent every dime and more. Each month he would charge all of our credit cards to the max. Each month we would have huge fights about how much money he was spending on “stuff” that we did not need and that I did not want. Each month he would promise not to do spend money. Each month he violated that promise and continued to spend, blowing through all of our income and more. He spent so much money that we rarely paid our bills on time. Somehow the utility company was to be paid after, and only after, he had spent what he wanted to on more “stuff.”
Worse yet, I had to account for how I spent money. I will never forget him pulling the Wal-Mart receipt out of the bag and screaming at me about how much money I had spent on groceries and t-shirts for the kids.
Once I even bought my son shoes on layaway over a two month period just in order the inevitable fight that would ensue when he found out how much our son’s shoes cost. Apparently, the N believed that our children’s feet should not grow or that tennis shoes should be free.
Good luck with that one.
On another occasion, the N wanted a new large easy chair and hassock. I said no. Not only was there no place for it (and we had plenty of ugly furniture purchased by him already) but it cost a ridiculous amount of money. He agreed not to buy it. The next thing I knew, the chair and hassock were being delivered by UPS. Another long, ugly, ultimately pointless fight ensued.
The N and the UPS guy became great friends for the UPS guy came to our remote rural home nearly every day bringing the N’s latest catalog purchases. The things he bought were not all for himself. Oh, no. Some of it was for the kids and I. However, most of the stuff he bought for the kids and I, we really did not want. After all, how many doodads that sit on shelves does any one person need?
During our divorce, the N acted as all Ns do: self important. According to him, all of the money that we ever made was made by him. Despite being a full time litigator for “our” law firm, I was somehow extraneous to the income that we had generated.
Immediately prior to the date that I filed for divorce, the N to whom I was married “took” (read: “stole”) as much of “his” money, “our” money and my money as he could. His efforts were facilitated by our small town banker, a pro-male, men-handle-the-money kind of guy. The Banker allowed the N, without my knowledge or permission, to cash two certificates of deposit. One was a joint CD which required both of our signatures. The second was a CD in my name alone. Neither should have been cashed without my signature. All of these funds went into the N’s pocket. It took three years, a lawsuit against the bank, and a lot of effort to pry any of these funds out of the N’s greedy, grasping hands.
Needless to say, I switched banks.
Other Ns blow through money in other ways. Some are gambling addicts. One N whom I know of is a day trader. His stock trading, often for huge amounts of money, is the method by which he makes himself feel powerful and in control. At first his wife did not know about his trading, or at least she did not know how much he was losing each day. When she found out, she threw a fit at the large sums that he had gambled and lost. Consequently, the N agreed while in a marriage counseling session (always a waste of time with Ns but she didn’t know that then) to give up day trading. Despite his specific agreement not to day trade, he simply continued to day trade without telling her. In short, he lied. He persisted in day trading despite his explicit promise not to until his then-wife caught him. She rightly and smartly divorced him immediately.
The good news here is that once you get free of the N, you get to pay your bills on time. You can buy whatever you want to, big or small, without the need to obtain preapproval and without a post-purchase fight. If you make a financial mistake, no one gives you a hard time or makes you feel stupid.
Financial freedom is waiting for you when you are done with the N.
Monday, November 26, 2007
They Really Are Everywhere
The mind is its own place, and in itself / Can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.
John Milton
Once you begin to recognize narcissism, you see N’s everywhere. Literally. You begin to wonder if you have lost your mind. Are you seeing things?
Nope. You are correctly spotting N’s everywhere for they actually are everywhere.
Scary.
Think about it. In the U.S., there are no rewards for non-narcissists and plenty of rewards for the Ns. Our society, particularly American industry, rewards narcissistic behavior. All one has to do is read the newspaper to recognize that N’s are particularly prevalent among the Captains of Industry in the U.S. For example, according to the press, the Enron guys had “a grandiose sense of self-importance”, fantasies of unlimited power and success (as well as apparently the fantasy that they would never get caught), a sense of entitlement, were “interpersonally exploitative” in that they took advantage of others for their own gain, lacked empathy in that they were unable to identify with those that they took from and were arrogant and haughty.
They were N’s.
Similarly, the Tyco C.E.O. Dennis Kozlowski was certainly an N in his $6,000 shower curtains and his million dollar birthday party for his wife, featuring an ice sculpture of Michelango’s David urinating vodka, all paid for by corporate (read: shareholder) funds.
A high percentage of American C.E.O.’s are clearly narcissists.
If you have narcissistic lessons that you needed to learn, you may be able to look back at your past and see the narcissism in each of the long string of guys that you dated. This is certainly my experience. From my dad who was a 1950’s rule the roost kind of guy, to my first, demanding boyfriend, to the “player” I dated in college, to the N whom I married, I have a long and distinguished history of involvement with N’s.
So the obvious next question is “Why?”
I have asked myself this question a million times. Did I prefer the Ns’ balsy, self-confidence; their take charge attitude? Or was I simply looking for a successful man, many of whom are N’s? Or perhaps I had lessons to learn about boundaries that could only be learned from an N who recognizes no boundaries and bulldozes over you if you attempt to set boundaries.
Whatever the reason is for your unfortunate involvement with N’s, if you are still vulnerable to N’s or if you still have lessons to learn from N’s, you will find them popping up in your life until you’ve learned that particular lesson and learned it well. Once you have the lesson down pat, I suggest that you spot the Wild Narcissist early on and run hard and fast from their destructive, black hole orbit.
Caveat: some self-interest and self-importance is appropriate in the human species. Indeed, some mild level of narcissism may be a necessary prerequisite for survival, particularly in the day and age when men were chasing wooly mammoths ten times their size down with spears. One could see that a certain amount of arrogance and self importance would be useful in the hunter/gatherer time period of human development. It is only when ego moves from simple, justifiable self –confidence into overweening, non-empathetic self-importance that the word “narcissism” raises its ugly head.
John Milton
Once you begin to recognize narcissism, you see N’s everywhere. Literally. You begin to wonder if you have lost your mind. Are you seeing things?
Nope. You are correctly spotting N’s everywhere for they actually are everywhere.
Scary.
Think about it. In the U.S., there are no rewards for non-narcissists and plenty of rewards for the Ns. Our society, particularly American industry, rewards narcissistic behavior. All one has to do is read the newspaper to recognize that N’s are particularly prevalent among the Captains of Industry in the U.S. For example, according to the press, the Enron guys had “a grandiose sense of self-importance”, fantasies of unlimited power and success (as well as apparently the fantasy that they would never get caught), a sense of entitlement, were “interpersonally exploitative” in that they took advantage of others for their own gain, lacked empathy in that they were unable to identify with those that they took from and were arrogant and haughty.
They were N’s.
Similarly, the Tyco C.E.O. Dennis Kozlowski was certainly an N in his $6,000 shower curtains and his million dollar birthday party for his wife, featuring an ice sculpture of Michelango’s David urinating vodka, all paid for by corporate (read: shareholder) funds.
A high percentage of American C.E.O.’s are clearly narcissists.
If you have narcissistic lessons that you needed to learn, you may be able to look back at your past and see the narcissism in each of the long string of guys that you dated. This is certainly my experience. From my dad who was a 1950’s rule the roost kind of guy, to my first, demanding boyfriend, to the “player” I dated in college, to the N whom I married, I have a long and distinguished history of involvement with N’s.
So the obvious next question is “Why?”
I have asked myself this question a million times. Did I prefer the Ns’ balsy, self-confidence; their take charge attitude? Or was I simply looking for a successful man, many of whom are N’s? Or perhaps I had lessons to learn about boundaries that could only be learned from an N who recognizes no boundaries and bulldozes over you if you attempt to set boundaries.
Whatever the reason is for your unfortunate involvement with N’s, if you are still vulnerable to N’s or if you still have lessons to learn from N’s, you will find them popping up in your life until you’ve learned that particular lesson and learned it well. Once you have the lesson down pat, I suggest that you spot the Wild Narcissist early on and run hard and fast from their destructive, black hole orbit.
Caveat: some self-interest and self-importance is appropriate in the human species. Indeed, some mild level of narcissism may be a necessary prerequisite for survival, particularly in the day and age when men were chasing wooly mammoths ten times their size down with spears. One could see that a certain amount of arrogance and self importance would be useful in the hunter/gatherer time period of human development. It is only when ego moves from simple, justifiable self –confidence into overweening, non-empathetic self-importance that the word “narcissism” raises its ugly head.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
SPOTTING THE WILD NARCISSIST PART 2
“Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me."
Chinese Proverb
Fawning Over the N – a Required Activity
The Ns need fawning to live. Slavish adoration, also known as “narcissistic supply”, is as essential to the N as air is to you and me. Woe to the woman who fails to admire the N’s every action, fails to acclaim him the greatest and fails to be (or pretend to be) in constant awe of his alleged accomplishments. The N will be on you 24/7 arguing with you about how great he is until you “realize” (or simply agree in order to get the argument over) that he is the best at whatever the issue is and that no one else could possibly have done what he claims that he did.
Note the use of the word “claims.”
The N to whom I was married began an argument one day about how, in his opinion, his once a year “work” supervising our CPA’s preparation of our tax returns was the equivalent of my provision of all meals, buying groceries, doing the housework and handling all of the children’s’ functions for an entire year. I just laughed at him (always a mistake) and said, “Not even close.” He was outraged that I did not agree with him. I said, “If you think that’s equal to what I do all year, I’ll trade with you. You do what I do and I’ll do the tax returns.”
It will come as no surprise that he did not accept my offer to trade jobs.
As part and parcel of their need for awed admiration, the Ns cannot accept criticism. Even the merest whisper of a suggestion that they could possibly have made an error or a mistake brings rage. The Ns believe that they do not make mistakes. Period. All problems or errors are someone else’s fault. The Ns are big on blame for they never make errors or mistakes.
The suggestion that perhaps just possibly they were not the instrumental, critical person in the “deal”, project or case incites them to fury for of course they are the one and the only the only important person involved in the “deal.”
The N is Entitled for He is King
The N believes that he is the only important person on the planet. Thus, he is entitled to have his needs met immediately. You have no important needs. You, his servant, must drop what you are doing and “attend” to him when he wants something. You must do his bidding.
The N to whom I was married would go into a rage if I did not fix him the food that he wanted when he wanted it. The fact that the kids and I had eaten hours earlier, I had just gotten home from a meeting, it was nine o’clock at night and I was tired made no difference to him. In his view, the N was entitled to have me make him something to eat right then and there, when he demanded it. Woe to me if I did not perform!
The Ns Use of Others – the Stealth Method
The Ns use people, all people, including you, the purported love of his life. When he is done using you, he will treat you like dirt. Gratitude is not in his lexicon. Of course, he does not see you as a real person. You are just the method by which his needs are fulfilled and his narcissistic supply provided. Even if he understood the word “gratitude”, which he does not, he would not be grateful for in the N’s view, you were placed on Planet Earth for his sole benefit.
The Ns use the stealth method of getting people to do their bidding. By the stealth method, I mean that they start out by asking you for one thing, something that is not really a big deal. Of course, you say “yes” for what they asked you for was not much, not out of the realm of reasonableness. Then they ask you for another thing, and another, and another, each request greater than the last, until they are not even asking but demanding and assuming that you will of course do their latest, weirdest, most ridiculous request.
An example of a person who experienced this from the N to whom I was married is the case of a dear friend of mine. Friend helped the N to whom I was married manage the N’s small Phoenix office building during the period that the N lived in Hawaii. Friend is a highly talented interior designer turned real estate developer. He is a busy guy. Nonetheless, the N asked Friend first to check out the office regarding certain repairs and report in to him. Friend did this, for free of course. The next request was that Friend meet the repair guys and let them in. Friend did this. The “asks” escalated until one day Friend called me in frustration. The N had asked him to trim the trees in the office yard – in the middle of the Phoenix summer when the temperature was approaching 120 degrees. I asked Friend why he had agreed to do this as the N had a gardening company who came weekly and particularly considering that the N certainly had more than enough money to hire a tree trimming company. Friend did not really know how he got roped into this. It just sort of “happened”.
It happened by the stealth method. The N asked and asked, each request larger than the last and each request agreed to by Friend until the N assumed that Friend would do whatever the N wanted him to.
I advised Friend that he need not trim the N’s trees in the middle of the Phoenix summer but to expect serious flack if he refused. I told Friend that he needed to consider refusing to take anymore of the N’s telephone calls lest he get into a long, angry debate about Friend’s supposed obligation to trim the N’s trees. I forewarned Friend that Ns are always furious if their victims have the temerity to refuse to do their bidding.
After considering the matter, Friend called the N and left a message that Friend was unable to trim the trees and suggested that the N hire a tree trimming company. A barrage of telephone messages from the N followed, each more vehement, angry and nasty than the last. It was as if the N believed that he could scream Friend into doing his bidding.
Eventually, after Friend refused to return any of the N’s nasty telephone calls, the N gave up, as I knew he would. After all, the N’s preferred technique for getting people to do his bidding, screaming rage, was not working. Friend’s relationship with the N ended at that point. Friend had been used up by the N.
Evil Is a Lack of Empathy
In the movie Nuremburg, one of the characters concludes that the reason for the Holocaust was the Nazi’s absence of empathy for their victims. The character concluded that evil is a lack of empathy. I concur. I can certainly imagine an N presiding over a concentration camp for the Ns lack anything remotely resembling empathy. This is because other people are not actually human to the Ns but instead are simply tools placed on the earth for the N’s sole use. Further, the N’s have no ability to put themselves in other person’s place. The Ns, quite simply, cannot relate. The Ns do not know the meaning of the words “empathy” or “sympathy”.
So, if your dog or your mother dies, do not expect the N to understand, sympathize, or empathize with your pain. Such emotions are, quite simply, beyond them.
Remember as you read this that the Ns put on a “false front” at first, sometimes maintaining this façade for years. Thus, they may appear to be sympathetic or empathetic, if it is not inconvenient that they do so or if such faux empathy promotes their “cause” as the perfect man/husband/boyfriend. Such empathy is only superficial and will disappear like a puff of smoke when it is no longer convenient for them.
A good example of this is the fact that the N to whom I was married had a rather complete lack of understanding about how his actions could possibly affect me after I had separated from him and filed for divorce. He routinely called me appalling names in front of the Judge. He repeatedly sent me hate email in which he called me equally horrific names. He clearly did not understand that his name calling (not to mention his actions) might bother me and could possibly adversely impact our future (non-existent) “relationship”.
Before I blocked his emails, on two occasions immediately after a name-calling, threatening email, the N to whom I was married sent me an email lamenting our lost “love” and inviting me to go on an around the world cruise with him. Apparently it did not occur to the N that his previous hate-email might impact my desire to go on an around the world cruise with him. The fact that I had not spoken to him in years and would not give him my home address or home telephone number should have been a clue as well. Nonetheless, the N so lacked empathy that he apparently expected that I would jump with alacrity upon the opportunity to travel around the world with him. The Ns lack of empathy, coupled with their superiority complex, does not allow them to understand why a woman would not want to be any where near them ever again.
Arrogance Personified – The Ns Are Always Late
The Ns have no compunctions about being late, making you wait for them, canceling appointments at the last minute or not showing up when and where they are expected to be. As the most important person on the planet, they are entitled to do what they want when they want. If their desires are inconvenient for you or anyone else, oh well. The world revolves around them, after all.
The N to whom I was married was perpetually late, habitually cancelled appointments at the last minute and generally inconvenienced everyone around him. If we had friends over and he got tired, he would simply go upstairs and go to bed, without even a good-bye. The fact that our guests were inconvenienced (not to mention baffled) by this behavior was, quite simply, their problem.
The N to whom I was married lacked basic courtesy and all social graces. Apparently, he had been raised by wolves. He simply did not care about inconveniencing other people.
Now that I understand narcissism, I know that the Ns arrogance is simply part of their power and control trip. The world waits for them, not the other way around.
The Narcissistic Stare
The narcissistic stare has been experienced by many of us who have had the misfortune to associate with Ns. Presumably, not every N does The Stare but from all reports, a significant majority does. The N’s stare is piercing, unwavering, reptilian. Seemingly flattering, this stare is unnerving – and is meant to be unnerving. The Ns look right through you. A woman who is not familiar with Ns might think he is simply paying complete and rapt attention to her but he is not. The Ns are staring at you to see how vulnerable you are. Some believe that the Ns use their stare to look through you to your soul for the sole purpose of determining whether you are viable prey or not.
Once you are in a relationship with an N, they stare at you in order to control you. Their withering glare is meant to cow you into submission. It is a strong woman indeed who does not back down under the malevolent narcissistic stare.
Chinese Proverb
Fawning Over the N – a Required Activity
The Ns need fawning to live. Slavish adoration, also known as “narcissistic supply”, is as essential to the N as air is to you and me. Woe to the woman who fails to admire the N’s every action, fails to acclaim him the greatest and fails to be (or pretend to be) in constant awe of his alleged accomplishments. The N will be on you 24/7 arguing with you about how great he is until you “realize” (or simply agree in order to get the argument over) that he is the best at whatever the issue is and that no one else could possibly have done what he claims that he did.
Note the use of the word “claims.”
The N to whom I was married began an argument one day about how, in his opinion, his once a year “work” supervising our CPA’s preparation of our tax returns was the equivalent of my provision of all meals, buying groceries, doing the housework and handling all of the children’s’ functions for an entire year. I just laughed at him (always a mistake) and said, “Not even close.” He was outraged that I did not agree with him. I said, “If you think that’s equal to what I do all year, I’ll trade with you. You do what I do and I’ll do the tax returns.”
It will come as no surprise that he did not accept my offer to trade jobs.
As part and parcel of their need for awed admiration, the Ns cannot accept criticism. Even the merest whisper of a suggestion that they could possibly have made an error or a mistake brings rage. The Ns believe that they do not make mistakes. Period. All problems or errors are someone else’s fault. The Ns are big on blame for they never make errors or mistakes.
The suggestion that perhaps just possibly they were not the instrumental, critical person in the “deal”, project or case incites them to fury for of course they are the one and the only the only important person involved in the “deal.”
The N is Entitled for He is King
The N believes that he is the only important person on the planet. Thus, he is entitled to have his needs met immediately. You have no important needs. You, his servant, must drop what you are doing and “attend” to him when he wants something. You must do his bidding.
The N to whom I was married would go into a rage if I did not fix him the food that he wanted when he wanted it. The fact that the kids and I had eaten hours earlier, I had just gotten home from a meeting, it was nine o’clock at night and I was tired made no difference to him. In his view, the N was entitled to have me make him something to eat right then and there, when he demanded it. Woe to me if I did not perform!
The Ns Use of Others – the Stealth Method
The Ns use people, all people, including you, the purported love of his life. When he is done using you, he will treat you like dirt. Gratitude is not in his lexicon. Of course, he does not see you as a real person. You are just the method by which his needs are fulfilled and his narcissistic supply provided. Even if he understood the word “gratitude”, which he does not, he would not be grateful for in the N’s view, you were placed on Planet Earth for his sole benefit.
The Ns use the stealth method of getting people to do their bidding. By the stealth method, I mean that they start out by asking you for one thing, something that is not really a big deal. Of course, you say “yes” for what they asked you for was not much, not out of the realm of reasonableness. Then they ask you for another thing, and another, and another, each request greater than the last, until they are not even asking but demanding and assuming that you will of course do their latest, weirdest, most ridiculous request.
An example of a person who experienced this from the N to whom I was married is the case of a dear friend of mine. Friend helped the N to whom I was married manage the N’s small Phoenix office building during the period that the N lived in Hawaii. Friend is a highly talented interior designer turned real estate developer. He is a busy guy. Nonetheless, the N asked Friend first to check out the office regarding certain repairs and report in to him. Friend did this, for free of course. The next request was that Friend meet the repair guys and let them in. Friend did this. The “asks” escalated until one day Friend called me in frustration. The N had asked him to trim the trees in the office yard – in the middle of the Phoenix summer when the temperature was approaching 120 degrees. I asked Friend why he had agreed to do this as the N had a gardening company who came weekly and particularly considering that the N certainly had more than enough money to hire a tree trimming company. Friend did not really know how he got roped into this. It just sort of “happened”.
It happened by the stealth method. The N asked and asked, each request larger than the last and each request agreed to by Friend until the N assumed that Friend would do whatever the N wanted him to.
I advised Friend that he need not trim the N’s trees in the middle of the Phoenix summer but to expect serious flack if he refused. I told Friend that he needed to consider refusing to take anymore of the N’s telephone calls lest he get into a long, angry debate about Friend’s supposed obligation to trim the N’s trees. I forewarned Friend that Ns are always furious if their victims have the temerity to refuse to do their bidding.
After considering the matter, Friend called the N and left a message that Friend was unable to trim the trees and suggested that the N hire a tree trimming company. A barrage of telephone messages from the N followed, each more vehement, angry and nasty than the last. It was as if the N believed that he could scream Friend into doing his bidding.
Eventually, after Friend refused to return any of the N’s nasty telephone calls, the N gave up, as I knew he would. After all, the N’s preferred technique for getting people to do his bidding, screaming rage, was not working. Friend’s relationship with the N ended at that point. Friend had been used up by the N.
Evil Is a Lack of Empathy
In the movie Nuremburg, one of the characters concludes that the reason for the Holocaust was the Nazi’s absence of empathy for their victims. The character concluded that evil is a lack of empathy. I concur. I can certainly imagine an N presiding over a concentration camp for the Ns lack anything remotely resembling empathy. This is because other people are not actually human to the Ns but instead are simply tools placed on the earth for the N’s sole use. Further, the N’s have no ability to put themselves in other person’s place. The Ns, quite simply, cannot relate. The Ns do not know the meaning of the words “empathy” or “sympathy”.
So, if your dog or your mother dies, do not expect the N to understand, sympathize, or empathize with your pain. Such emotions are, quite simply, beyond them.
Remember as you read this that the Ns put on a “false front” at first, sometimes maintaining this façade for years. Thus, they may appear to be sympathetic or empathetic, if it is not inconvenient that they do so or if such faux empathy promotes their “cause” as the perfect man/husband/boyfriend. Such empathy is only superficial and will disappear like a puff of smoke when it is no longer convenient for them.
A good example of this is the fact that the N to whom I was married had a rather complete lack of understanding about how his actions could possibly affect me after I had separated from him and filed for divorce. He routinely called me appalling names in front of the Judge. He repeatedly sent me hate email in which he called me equally horrific names. He clearly did not understand that his name calling (not to mention his actions) might bother me and could possibly adversely impact our future (non-existent) “relationship”.
Before I blocked his emails, on two occasions immediately after a name-calling, threatening email, the N to whom I was married sent me an email lamenting our lost “love” and inviting me to go on an around the world cruise with him. Apparently it did not occur to the N that his previous hate-email might impact my desire to go on an around the world cruise with him. The fact that I had not spoken to him in years and would not give him my home address or home telephone number should have been a clue as well. Nonetheless, the N so lacked empathy that he apparently expected that I would jump with alacrity upon the opportunity to travel around the world with him. The Ns lack of empathy, coupled with their superiority complex, does not allow them to understand why a woman would not want to be any where near them ever again.
Arrogance Personified – The Ns Are Always Late
The Ns have no compunctions about being late, making you wait for them, canceling appointments at the last minute or not showing up when and where they are expected to be. As the most important person on the planet, they are entitled to do what they want when they want. If their desires are inconvenient for you or anyone else, oh well. The world revolves around them, after all.
The N to whom I was married was perpetually late, habitually cancelled appointments at the last minute and generally inconvenienced everyone around him. If we had friends over and he got tired, he would simply go upstairs and go to bed, without even a good-bye. The fact that our guests were inconvenienced (not to mention baffled) by this behavior was, quite simply, their problem.
The N to whom I was married lacked basic courtesy and all social graces. Apparently, he had been raised by wolves. He simply did not care about inconveniencing other people.
Now that I understand narcissism, I know that the Ns arrogance is simply part of their power and control trip. The world waits for them, not the other way around.
The Narcissistic Stare
The narcissistic stare has been experienced by many of us who have had the misfortune to associate with Ns. Presumably, not every N does The Stare but from all reports, a significant majority does. The N’s stare is piercing, unwavering, reptilian. Seemingly flattering, this stare is unnerving – and is meant to be unnerving. The Ns look right through you. A woman who is not familiar with Ns might think he is simply paying complete and rapt attention to her but he is not. The Ns are staring at you to see how vulnerable you are. Some believe that the Ns use their stare to look through you to your soul for the sole purpose of determining whether you are viable prey or not.
Once you are in a relationship with an N, they stare at you in order to control you. Their withering glare is meant to cow you into submission. It is a strong woman indeed who does not back down under the malevolent narcissistic stare.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
SPOTTING THE WILD NARCISSIST
There is only one thing more painful than learning from experience, and that is not learning from experience. Archibald MacLeish
Like bird watching, identifying the species “narcissist” is both a skill and an art. However, this is a skill that you must obtain lest you repeat the unpleasant experience of being involved with an N. Take a walk down the primrose path with me, your tour guide, and we will identify some of the salient characteristics of this dangerous species.
As you read the following, remember that not all Ns have all of these characteristics. Remember also that non-Ns, men who do not have personality disorders per se but are still dangerous and crazy, may have these characteristics.
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV), now in its fourth edition, is an American handbook for mental health professionals that lists different categories of mental disorders and the criteria for diagnosing them.
The DSM-IV defines Narcissistic Personality Disorder as follows:
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
(1) has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
(2) is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
(3) believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
(4) requires excessive admiration
(5) has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
(6) is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
(7) lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
(8) is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
(9) shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.
In “real life,” the actuality of these rather dispassionate, clinically described factors is, well, horrific.
Grandiosity
You know that a man has a problem with grandiosity when they have never put a foot wrong, scored big on every deal (and with every woman), won every case and climbed every mountain. They are the best at everything. They are the sole reason for the success of every company and every project that they have been involved with, even when those projects and companies were clearly and obviously team efforts. Because the Ns believe that they are so superior, they believe that they are unappreciated and certainly under compensated.
Now, many Ns are indeed highly accomplished. Many are captains of industry or are at the top of their field. Think: Enron. The Ns are often very bright. After all, who else could pull off the façade of civility and normalcy which hides their craziness?
Nonetheless, if a guy persists in telling you how brilliant they are and/or how powerful they are, you’ve probably found an N.
The N to whom I was married claimed that he was the sole reason for the success of every law firm with whom he had been associated. He accomplished every deal, was the expert in everything that he touched and was the sole reason that his firm won a big case against a public utility. He was the best baseball player in his high school. He was the one whom, among his friends, “discovered” Eric Clapton. In short, he was “The Man.”
Ideal Love
To the N who wants to capture you, you are the woman they have always been looking for, the ideal love, the love of their life, their soul mate. You are perfect in every way, according to the N. At least early in the relationship you are perfect.
Later, not so much.
Watch out if his declaration of “soul mate” comes too early in the relationship. The discovery that another person is a “soul mate” takes a while generally. While certainly it is highly flattering that this seemingly fabulous man thinks that you are his soul mate, the fact is that rarely do soul mates discover, let alone declare, their affinity for you a week after meeting you.
The Ns always declare that you are their ideal love a bit too early in the game.
If your guy declares that you are perfect, watch out also. You are most likely not perfect. While you probably are fabulous, the declaration by someone who doesn’t know you well that you are perfect (and perfect for him) is a dead give away of narcissism.
“Well, aren’t you special?”
To paraphrase Dana Carvey, the Ns are “special”, or so they believe. The N believes that he is a misunderstood and underappreciated genius. Because he is so special, he is entitled to associate only with other high status people, including you. This is a backward and unfortunate compliment. You are, no doubt, high status in some way, if not in all ways. This is what makes him want to associate with you.
At first.
The same high status is assigned to his friends, if he has any. His friends are always the best at something, according to the N. Again, remember that sometimes this is true or very close to it. The N to whom I was married initially did have some wonderful, highly accomplished friends who were quite expert in their fields.
By virtue of the N’s specialness, he is entitled to only the best service and material goods. You will notice that he buys himself the best of everything. You and everyone else in his life are not accorded this same treatment unless it serves his ego to do so in order for him to look good.
For example, the N to whom I was married bought me not only jewelry (purchased at a discount from a jeweler whom he represented but nonetheless nice jewelry) but a mink coat. I have never wanted a mink coat. Indeed, I had never once considered owning a mink coat. Everyone who knows anything about me knows that I have never been remotely interested in owning an absurdly pretentious full length mink coat, particularly given that we lived in Phoenix where the ambient temperature is 115 degrees for most of the year. Yet, the N bought me a mink coat, told me that it cost five times what it actually cost (I found the receipt) and bragged both to his family and at our divorce trial about what a great guy he was for having bought a mink coat for me.
The mink coat was not about me or what I might want as a gift. It was all about him and what a fabulous husband he was to have bought me a mink.
All of the gifts from the N to whom I was married were similar. His gifts were all about him and had nothing to do with me.
He did the same thing to our children. He gave them odd, unusable gifts, stuff they could place on a shelf but could never play with, stuff that was either too advanced for them or too young for them. It was as if he did not know how old they were.
For example, one year he bought our 15 year old daughter a three foot tall, collectable stuffed bunny rabbit to add to the ten similar bunny rabbits that he had bought for her in previous years. She had a regular forest of standing bunny rabbits in her room. However, at age 15, she wanted cds and clothes.
She got a bunny rabbit.
Once again, his gift was not about what our child might want but rather was about what he wanted and what he wanted her to have.
Another example of his “specialness” was the bicycles we bought. I bought a $400 Trek 10 speed. Serviceable and adequate, my Trek was a reasonable choice for the type of bike riding that we planned to do, basically around Phoenix. The N, on the other hand, bought himself a $1,000 titanium silver then-top of the line bicycle which he never once rode. It was having the best that was important to him, not actual use. It was of critical importance to him that his bicycle was better than mine.
More characteristics of the Wild Narcissist will be discussed my next blog.
Like bird watching, identifying the species “narcissist” is both a skill and an art. However, this is a skill that you must obtain lest you repeat the unpleasant experience of being involved with an N. Take a walk down the primrose path with me, your tour guide, and we will identify some of the salient characteristics of this dangerous species.
As you read the following, remember that not all Ns have all of these characteristics. Remember also that non-Ns, men who do not have personality disorders per se but are still dangerous and crazy, may have these characteristics.
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV), now in its fourth edition, is an American handbook for mental health professionals that lists different categories of mental disorders and the criteria for diagnosing them.
The DSM-IV defines Narcissistic Personality Disorder as follows:
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
(1) has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
(2) is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
(3) believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
(4) requires excessive admiration
(5) has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
(6) is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
(7) lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
(8) is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
(9) shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.
In “real life,” the actuality of these rather dispassionate, clinically described factors is, well, horrific.
Grandiosity
You know that a man has a problem with grandiosity when they have never put a foot wrong, scored big on every deal (and with every woman), won every case and climbed every mountain. They are the best at everything. They are the sole reason for the success of every company and every project that they have been involved with, even when those projects and companies were clearly and obviously team efforts. Because the Ns believe that they are so superior, they believe that they are unappreciated and certainly under compensated.
Now, many Ns are indeed highly accomplished. Many are captains of industry or are at the top of their field. Think: Enron. The Ns are often very bright. After all, who else could pull off the façade of civility and normalcy which hides their craziness?
Nonetheless, if a guy persists in telling you how brilliant they are and/or how powerful they are, you’ve probably found an N.
The N to whom I was married claimed that he was the sole reason for the success of every law firm with whom he had been associated. He accomplished every deal, was the expert in everything that he touched and was the sole reason that his firm won a big case against a public utility. He was the best baseball player in his high school. He was the one whom, among his friends, “discovered” Eric Clapton. In short, he was “The Man.”
Ideal Love
To the N who wants to capture you, you are the woman they have always been looking for, the ideal love, the love of their life, their soul mate. You are perfect in every way, according to the N. At least early in the relationship you are perfect.
Later, not so much.
Watch out if his declaration of “soul mate” comes too early in the relationship. The discovery that another person is a “soul mate” takes a while generally. While certainly it is highly flattering that this seemingly fabulous man thinks that you are his soul mate, the fact is that rarely do soul mates discover, let alone declare, their affinity for you a week after meeting you.
The Ns always declare that you are their ideal love a bit too early in the game.
If your guy declares that you are perfect, watch out also. You are most likely not perfect. While you probably are fabulous, the declaration by someone who doesn’t know you well that you are perfect (and perfect for him) is a dead give away of narcissism.
“Well, aren’t you special?”
To paraphrase Dana Carvey, the Ns are “special”, or so they believe. The N believes that he is a misunderstood and underappreciated genius. Because he is so special, he is entitled to associate only with other high status people, including you. This is a backward and unfortunate compliment. You are, no doubt, high status in some way, if not in all ways. This is what makes him want to associate with you.
At first.
The same high status is assigned to his friends, if he has any. His friends are always the best at something, according to the N. Again, remember that sometimes this is true or very close to it. The N to whom I was married initially did have some wonderful, highly accomplished friends who were quite expert in their fields.
By virtue of the N’s specialness, he is entitled to only the best service and material goods. You will notice that he buys himself the best of everything. You and everyone else in his life are not accorded this same treatment unless it serves his ego to do so in order for him to look good.
For example, the N to whom I was married bought me not only jewelry (purchased at a discount from a jeweler whom he represented but nonetheless nice jewelry) but a mink coat. I have never wanted a mink coat. Indeed, I had never once considered owning a mink coat. Everyone who knows anything about me knows that I have never been remotely interested in owning an absurdly pretentious full length mink coat, particularly given that we lived in Phoenix where the ambient temperature is 115 degrees for most of the year. Yet, the N bought me a mink coat, told me that it cost five times what it actually cost (I found the receipt) and bragged both to his family and at our divorce trial about what a great guy he was for having bought a mink coat for me.
The mink coat was not about me or what I might want as a gift. It was all about him and what a fabulous husband he was to have bought me a mink.
All of the gifts from the N to whom I was married were similar. His gifts were all about him and had nothing to do with me.
He did the same thing to our children. He gave them odd, unusable gifts, stuff they could place on a shelf but could never play with, stuff that was either too advanced for them or too young for them. It was as if he did not know how old they were.
For example, one year he bought our 15 year old daughter a three foot tall, collectable stuffed bunny rabbit to add to the ten similar bunny rabbits that he had bought for her in previous years. She had a regular forest of standing bunny rabbits in her room. However, at age 15, she wanted cds and clothes.
She got a bunny rabbit.
Once again, his gift was not about what our child might want but rather was about what he wanted and what he wanted her to have.
Another example of his “specialness” was the bicycles we bought. I bought a $400 Trek 10 speed. Serviceable and adequate, my Trek was a reasonable choice for the type of bike riding that we planned to do, basically around Phoenix. The N, on the other hand, bought himself a $1,000 titanium silver then-top of the line bicycle which he never once rode. It was having the best that was important to him, not actual use. It was of critical importance to him that his bicycle was better than mine.
More characteristics of the Wild Narcissist will be discussed my next blog.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Controlling, Selfish Men; A Woman's Survival Guide
Should you shield the canyon from the windstorms, you would never see the beauty of their carvings. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
Dear Readers,
This is a blog for women who have been in a relationship with a controlling, selfish man. Often, along with his insistence on controlling you and his complete self-absorption, comes verbal abuse, emotional abuse and perhaps even physical abuse of you, their significant other, whom they purport to love.
This blog is a survival guide for those who have been unfortunate enough to experience this sort of relationship. I write from experience for my now ex-husband exhibited these behaviors. We, you dear reader and I, share this experience along with many, many other women for controlling, selfish men are shockingly common. I am in the process of writing a book on how to survive these men so that you will know:
(a) it’s not you, it’s him;
(b) his problem has a name, is predictable and understandable;
(c) other women share your experiences;
(d) some of the survival techniques that I (and others) have learned.
You are not alone.
Read on if your ex or current guy exhibits some of the following behaviors:
He was initially charming, adoring and loving to you, claiming that you were his “soul mate”;
He flies into a rage so often that you walk on eggshells, even though his anger is usually over ridiculous things such as how thick you sliced the zucchini;
He insists on controlling where you go and what you do and often he calls you repeatedly and insists that you come home even though he knows where you are, what you are doing and when to expect you home;
He controls all of “your” (joint) money, is the sole arbiter of what you both can buy, examines even your grocery store receipts and criticizes how much you spent on food even though he spends multiple times that amount (over your objections and his agreement not to do so) on non-necessities;
He socially isolates you by criticizing your friends, finding fault with your family, refusing to let your family visit and refusing to let you visit your family (at least without a fight);
He relishes fighting, will fight with you for days on end until you give in due to simple exhaustion and even wakes you up in the middle of the night to continue the fight;
He is angrily jealous and insists that other men are hitting on you when they are clearly not;
He does not know and refuses to learn the word “compromise”;
He has no empathy for you or anyone else, and evidences a complete lack of sympathy and interest if your grandmother dies;
He is a pathological liar who lies even about unimportant things such as how old he was when he was graduated from high school;
He exaggerates his achievements and talents, believes he is superior to everyone else on the planet, claims that he is the best at whatever he does and single handedly won every case and completed every project;
He has an excessive need to be admired and goes into a rage when you do not praise him to the heavens for simple things such as supervising the accountant’s preparation of your tax return;
He has an unreasonable sense of entitlement and prides himself on never paying retail;
He assumes that you will obey his every command and is outraged if you do not;
He uses people, taking advantage of everyone (including you);
He refuses to play by any rules, commits minor acts of vandalism, ignores the rules of the road, is completely without any sort of manners and cancels appointments with both friends and professionals at the last minute without any concern for them;
He is completely arrogant and claims to be the best, the smartest, has the best taste, is the most successful, etc.;
He projects upon you his own mental health problems, such as claiming to anyone who will listen that you suffered a nervous breakdown when you left him;
He distorts your reality and claims that what happened did not happen and that he did not say what you heard him say;
He is a hypochondriac and uses his real or claimed health problems to control you and others;
He is addicted, whether to alcohol, illegal drugs, gambling, day trading, sex (not necessarily with you) or prescription drugs;
He is either overly sexual, relishing his conquests and expressing surprise that you might object to his affairs, or is completely uninterested in sex;
He verbally terrorizes you, emotionally traumatizes you, threatens physical abuse or physically abuses you.
I had never heard of the mental illness entitled “Narcissistic Personality Disorder” until after I was separated. When I learned about narcissism, I recognized immediately that my ex’s craziness had a name. This was the first step to understanding why he acts the way he does.
Understanding that he has a psychological disorder is extremely helpful.
Even if your current or former significant other has not been diagnosed with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder, read on. There is very little difference between men who “merely” possess narcissistic traits, men who have a narcissistic “character”, men who have a narcissistic “overlay” on top of another mental health problem and men who have a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The psychological diagnosis for your guy’s exact problem is irrelevant. The fact is that these men are self-centered, controlling and abusive.
Further, many, if not the majority, of men who suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder are undiagnosed. They have not sought psychiatric help for in their view (and their view alone) there is nothing wrong with them. It is the rest of the world, in their opinion, that is “wrong”. Only when these men are forced, usually by Court Order, to see a mental health professional do they obtain a diagnosis.
In the hopes of helping you, dear reader, avoid some of the craziness that I endured, I will share what I have learned both through my own experiences and the experiences of those who have shared their stories with me. I look forward to reading your postings about your experiences.
I will post chapters of the book that I am writing on this blog for you, dear reader, to read and comment on. Do let me know if any of this is helpful, useful, interesting or reassuring.
Two items of note. First, in this blog I will refer to narcissists of all sorts as “the Ns”, which is simply shorthand for all narcissists of any sort, type or variety, whether diagnosed or undiagnosed. Second, I will refer to my ex-husband as “the N to whom I was married” for I no longer wish to refer to him as “my” anything. He is no longer “mine” in any sense of the word. I prefer the distance created by referring to him as “the N to whom I was married.”
I hope that sharing my story will be of benefit to you. I look forward to hearing from you.
Pat Finley
Dear Readers,
This is a blog for women who have been in a relationship with a controlling, selfish man. Often, along with his insistence on controlling you and his complete self-absorption, comes verbal abuse, emotional abuse and perhaps even physical abuse of you, their significant other, whom they purport to love.
This blog is a survival guide for those who have been unfortunate enough to experience this sort of relationship. I write from experience for my now ex-husband exhibited these behaviors. We, you dear reader and I, share this experience along with many, many other women for controlling, selfish men are shockingly common. I am in the process of writing a book on how to survive these men so that you will know:
(a) it’s not you, it’s him;
(b) his problem has a name, is predictable and understandable;
(c) other women share your experiences;
(d) some of the survival techniques that I (and others) have learned.
You are not alone.
Read on if your ex or current guy exhibits some of the following behaviors:
He was initially charming, adoring and loving to you, claiming that you were his “soul mate”;
He flies into a rage so often that you walk on eggshells, even though his anger is usually over ridiculous things such as how thick you sliced the zucchini;
He insists on controlling where you go and what you do and often he calls you repeatedly and insists that you come home even though he knows where you are, what you are doing and when to expect you home;
He controls all of “your” (joint) money, is the sole arbiter of what you both can buy, examines even your grocery store receipts and criticizes how much you spent on food even though he spends multiple times that amount (over your objections and his agreement not to do so) on non-necessities;
He socially isolates you by criticizing your friends, finding fault with your family, refusing to let your family visit and refusing to let you visit your family (at least without a fight);
He relishes fighting, will fight with you for days on end until you give in due to simple exhaustion and even wakes you up in the middle of the night to continue the fight;
He is angrily jealous and insists that other men are hitting on you when they are clearly not;
He does not know and refuses to learn the word “compromise”;
He has no empathy for you or anyone else, and evidences a complete lack of sympathy and interest if your grandmother dies;
He is a pathological liar who lies even about unimportant things such as how old he was when he was graduated from high school;
He exaggerates his achievements and talents, believes he is superior to everyone else on the planet, claims that he is the best at whatever he does and single handedly won every case and completed every project;
He has an excessive need to be admired and goes into a rage when you do not praise him to the heavens for simple things such as supervising the accountant’s preparation of your tax return;
He has an unreasonable sense of entitlement and prides himself on never paying retail;
He assumes that you will obey his every command and is outraged if you do not;
He uses people, taking advantage of everyone (including you);
He refuses to play by any rules, commits minor acts of vandalism, ignores the rules of the road, is completely without any sort of manners and cancels appointments with both friends and professionals at the last minute without any concern for them;
He is completely arrogant and claims to be the best, the smartest, has the best taste, is the most successful, etc.;
He projects upon you his own mental health problems, such as claiming to anyone who will listen that you suffered a nervous breakdown when you left him;
He distorts your reality and claims that what happened did not happen and that he did not say what you heard him say;
He is a hypochondriac and uses his real or claimed health problems to control you and others;
He is addicted, whether to alcohol, illegal drugs, gambling, day trading, sex (not necessarily with you) or prescription drugs;
He is either overly sexual, relishing his conquests and expressing surprise that you might object to his affairs, or is completely uninterested in sex;
He verbally terrorizes you, emotionally traumatizes you, threatens physical abuse or physically abuses you.
I had never heard of the mental illness entitled “Narcissistic Personality Disorder” until after I was separated. When I learned about narcissism, I recognized immediately that my ex’s craziness had a name. This was the first step to understanding why he acts the way he does.
Understanding that he has a psychological disorder is extremely helpful.
Even if your current or former significant other has not been diagnosed with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder, read on. There is very little difference between men who “merely” possess narcissistic traits, men who have a narcissistic “character”, men who have a narcissistic “overlay” on top of another mental health problem and men who have a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The psychological diagnosis for your guy’s exact problem is irrelevant. The fact is that these men are self-centered, controlling and abusive.
Further, many, if not the majority, of men who suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder are undiagnosed. They have not sought psychiatric help for in their view (and their view alone) there is nothing wrong with them. It is the rest of the world, in their opinion, that is “wrong”. Only when these men are forced, usually by Court Order, to see a mental health professional do they obtain a diagnosis.
In the hopes of helping you, dear reader, avoid some of the craziness that I endured, I will share what I have learned both through my own experiences and the experiences of those who have shared their stories with me. I look forward to reading your postings about your experiences.
I will post chapters of the book that I am writing on this blog for you, dear reader, to read and comment on. Do let me know if any of this is helpful, useful, interesting or reassuring.
Two items of note. First, in this blog I will refer to narcissists of all sorts as “the Ns”, which is simply shorthand for all narcissists of any sort, type or variety, whether diagnosed or undiagnosed. Second, I will refer to my ex-husband as “the N to whom I was married” for I no longer wish to refer to him as “my” anything. He is no longer “mine” in any sense of the word. I prefer the distance created by referring to him as “the N to whom I was married.”
I hope that sharing my story will be of benefit to you. I look forward to hearing from you.
Pat Finley
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